I don’t suppose that this writing is in any way exceptional, and I know that very many people have suffered far more horrific things than have I. Having faced serious illness and a major operation during the past two years it somehow caused many long-buried traumas to burst up to the surface, forcing me to look my past in the eyes and, in my late fifties, haunting me and terrifying me again. Everything I describe here happened between fifty and forty years ago and recently I have made a complaint to the police about it. I have also written a book in an effort both to achieve some kind of catharsis and to raise money for charity, but my pain seems only to be getting worse and this makes me feel ashamed. I hope that by knowing that someone, somewhere knows what happened to me I can achieve peace from my reincarnated torment.
I was sent to prep school at the age of eight. For the first two years I was a day boy, but the days were long – from eight thirty to six o’clock every day including Saturdays. Being small and young for my age, I was bullied relentlessly by older boys and by some of my peers. Worse, I, together with probably every other boy in the school, was subjected to ‘mild’ sexual abuse by the Latin master, who was also Deputy Headmaster. He supervised showers after games every day except Tuesdays, which were his ‘half day’. After we’d showered, he would rub and squeeze our genitals “To make sure you’ve dried yourself properly”.
After two years I began to board. We were not allowed to go home at all except for holidays, in the interests of ‘not getting the boys upset.’ The bullying subsided as I grew older but the abuse did not. As I matured physically so the abuse became worse.
At thirteen I was sent to public school as a boarder: the school only accepted boarders. Once again, being small for my age and gentle – timid even – by nature, I was bullied relentlessly and in much more brutal ways. Out of taught lesson times the school was entirely run and supervised by senior boys, who were free to punish us in any way that they felt suitable, including beatings. Very soon, in an effort to deflect bullying from themselves, many of my peers began to bully me too. I lived in terror constantly, night and day. I had nobody to talk to or turn to, and no possibility of respite. I was locked in dark cupboards for long periods of time, locked in a trunk, held under water, and was a general whipping dog for anyone who felt fed up with life.
That school broke my heart and my soul, and caused me to be unable to trust anyone ever again. I feel to this day, as a successful professional, inadequate, frightened of people, always on the lookout for the next punch.
For the past year or so I have been suffering all that pain and hurt again repeatedly, disturbing my sleep, haunting me by day and making me feel terrified again.
Thank you for being there to listen.